


Gilderoy's Big Break

by 42069, cloudeater (anxiousgoat), Crackfic_Crookshanks (Hang_In_There_Baby_Crookshanks), crackshoespotterr (moonshoespotterr), tschulie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, M/M, Podcast: Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:13:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26027023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/42069/pseuds/42069, https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgoat/pseuds/cloudeater, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hang_In_There_Baby_Crookshanks/pseuds/Crackfic_Crookshanks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonshoespotterr/pseuds/crackshoespotterr, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tschulie/pseuds/tschulie
Summary: A Fanatical Fam Crackfic Chaos Fic! Gilderoy Lockhart has a big adventure, Snape is confused and Harry just wants to cry.
Relationships: Gilderoy Lockhart/Severus Snape
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7
Collections: Fanatical Fam's Crackfic Chaos





	Gilderoy's Big Break

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Crackfic written by the Fanatical Fam over on the discord for the Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them podcast!  
> These fics have been created using our favourite bot - Chocolate Frogs - during a game we like to call Crackfic Chaos.

Gilderoy Lockhart looked around the padded room. In the corner was a very friendly looking plant, and some nice people wearing green shower caps were walking around with little sticks. “Where am I? Who am I?” He wondered. He could see his reflection in the thick glass window. Boy was he good looking. He kissed himself. Harder. Tongue intertwined with his reflection Gilderoy Lockhart just loved the look of himself. Was he in a hospital? All the green and sterile looking surrounding suggested so, the he caught his own glance again Gilderoy ran his eyes up and down his naked form in the mirror, gave himself an approving nod, then left the apparent hospital room to see if he could find someone else to admire him. 

'Gilderoy!' A tired voice shrieked. 'How many times have I told you to stay in your room? And where are your clothes?' A man with greasy black hair and soulful eyes grabbed his hand and pulled him back in the direction of the ward. Gilderoy twisted in the man’a grasp.

“Release me, you fool! I must tell young Harry about his father. About who his REAL father is!” 

'Gilderoy you don't know what you are talking about!' Severus sneered. 'If Harry knew the truth about his parentage, the truth about us, he would never understand!' Gilderoy's eyes filled with tears as he thought about the son he wanted to be close with. The son who had thought him nothing but a fool when he had taught him at Hogwarts.

Severus looked deep into Gilderoy eyes. Something about seeing his lover cry broke him. It didn’t matter how upset Harry would be. They would have to tell him the truth. Gilderoy was frightened at the prospect of telling this to a son he didn’t remember he had but he was going to have to face it. It was Snape, naturally, who took the plunge. 

"Look, Harry," he said. "We're your dads. Deal with it." Harry ran away crying. 

"Wow, you did that so gently and sweetly," said Gilderoy, caressing his lover's cheek. "I think you deserve some raunchy and disgusting sex as a reward." Snape raised an eyebrow at the blond invitingly. He leaned in and pressed his lips against Gilderoy’s mouth, requesting entrance with his tongue. Gilderoy groaned and threw his hands into Snapes dark locks, thrusting his tongue forward insistently. 

They kissed passionately for several minutes until the blond suddenly stopped. His eyes had fallen on a flyer: Talent show, Mister Sexy great Great Britain 1994, applications open now. Fuck talking to his son. Fuck his greasy lover. This was HIS moment. He could picture his name in bright, glowing neon lights: Gilderoy Lockhart: Sexiest Man in Great Britain. This wasn’t about him; this was greater than him. This was destiny. Gilderoy decided now was his moment. He grabbed his guitar and pushed past Snape. Screw Severus! He had written his son a beautiful song about how much he cared for him. He would perform it first for his son, and then for the entirety of Britain on a musical tour, dressed in glitter and his name in neon lights.

Gilderoy heard Snape snarl behind him and shout his name, but the blond barely heard his ex-lover. He strode to Harry and begun to serenade his son. 

"Oh Harry. Yes, your name is Harry. And I am your father, Harry. Oh baby. Ooooh!" Harry immediately ran off crying. Gilderoy put his hands on his hips. "God, what is wrong with you? Er, my beloved son? Oh, come on, I'm not that bad at singing, am I?"

"Hahahaha!" said Snape cruelly. "Thirty points from Ravenclaw!" 

"You know what?" said Gilderoy. "We're THROUGH. You're MEAN. And UGLY. And... CRAP AT POTIONS!" Snape gasped. Tears starting to roll down his cheeks as an insistent noise grew louder and louder. 

Deep down in the Hogwarts Dungeons potions master Severus Snape opened his eyes, his alarm was ringing. His cheeks were wet, he was all sweaty and his hand was in his pants. Dammit, he had once again fallen asleep masturbating at the thought of his former boyfriend, the worlds sexiest moron as he liked to call him.


End file.
